


I Need You

by shipping_galaxy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 2 parts, Angst, Canon Gay Relationship, Depressed!Kenma, Depression, Fluff, Gay Male Character, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Drug Use, Paris - Freeform, Partying, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenic!Kuroo, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Therapist!Yamaguchi, Underage Drug Use, but a lot of angst, i swear i can tag very well, mostly angst, thAt fic you didn't know you needed, that paris bridge thing, the lock bridge, yeah thats in there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5760439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipping_galaxy/pseuds/shipping_galaxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's there I can see it."<br/>"There's nothing there Kuroo."<br/>Kuroo has schizophrenia<br/>Kenma is depressed<br/>Lots of angst</p><p>LOTS OF TRIGGERS:<br/>Gore<br/>Self Harm<br/>Suicide<br/>Abuse</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

Kenma was fourteen years old when he did all the research he could on schizophrenia. Not for him, but for Kuroo. Kuroo had been diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was eleven but had been going to therapy, regular doctors appointments and other things to help him. Kenma didn't know about this what so ever so when Kuroo started to have hallucinations Kenma didn't know what to do. He was clueless. Kenma was 28 now but thinking about that day still scared him.

*14 years ago*

Kenma and Kuroo had been at the park, it was three am and they had been having a sleepover at Kenma's house. After Kenma's parents had fallen asleep, Kuroo had been very persistent to sneaking out eventually the cat like male had agreed, and regretted it later that night.

Kenma was a tiny 14 year old, only 4'10 and 84 pounds, skinny and short. It sucked, but it also made it easier to sneak past people without being noticed and get through large crowds. Kuroo had offered to push Kenma on the swing and he had agreed, hopping up onto the swing and Kuroo pushed him grinning the whole time. Kenma was about to ask why he was so smiley but then Kuroo froze and his eyes had widened. Kenma immediately saw something was wrong when he looked over his shoulder and jumped off the swing catching the swing in his hand as it went up so it wouldn't go back and hit the frozen Kuroo in the face.

He jogged over to Kuroo a worried look in his eyes. "Kuroo... What's wrong?" He asked the male, not letting his voice show how worried he actually was not wanting to frighten the male anymore then he was already frightened. And yes, Kenma could tell his best friend was frightened because he had known him for 14 years and knew everything about Kuroo. From the way he liked his coffee/tea all the way to his biggest darkest secrets that only Kenma knew.

"K-Kenma... It's right there can't you see it, standing by the slide. It's telling me it's going to kill me... It says it's going to rip me apart and then eat my organs. NO PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" He yelled out. Kenma looked to the slide and saw nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary. He looked back to Kuroo eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. "Kur-" He was cut off. "ITS COMING CLOSER, NO FUCK OFF STAY AWAY." Kuroo yelled. Kenma suddenly became concerned and very scared.

"Kuroo there's nothing there..." He said trailing off. Which was possibly the worst mistake he could have made, because you shouldn't tell someone that while they're hallucinating, Kenma now knew that but back then he didn't even know. Because suddenly Kuroo swung around slapping Kenma across the face leaving a stinging mark. "NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT IT'S THERE IT IS. IT'S COMING TOWARDS RIGHT NOW AND IT'S GOING TO KILL US. ARE YOU ONE OF THEM TOO?! ARE YOU GOING TO KILL ME TOO?!" Kenma flinched. His face stinging badly. Kuroo had hit him pretty damn hard.

"No Kuroo. Im not going to hurt you." Kuroo went to turn back to looking at the thing Kenma couldn't see. "No. Don't look over there okay? Look at m-" He got cut off as Kuroo began shouting profanities and other things at the air again. Kenma didn't know what to do and began freaking out even more before pulling out his phone and calling Kuroo's mom. It was the only thing he could do, even if it meant getting in trouble for sneaking out Kenma was terrified.

The phone rang, and rang, and rang, and did so a couple more times before it went to voicemail. Well fucking shit. He looked at Kuroo and stood in front of him. "Hey, just look at me. Don't worry about that thing, I believe you just look at me alright?" He said slowly and calmly. Kuroo looked at him and Kenma smiled softly. "Just ignore it Kuroo and it will go away. Close your eyes and whisper, 'It's not real. It's not real. I'm alone with my best friend no one else is here. It's not real.' And it will go away okay."

Kuroo nodded slowly, but didn't close his eyes. "It's not real... It's fucking getting closer it's going to get me." He said hurriedly on the verge of tears at this point. Kenma shook his head. "Close your eyes Kuroo."

Kuroo closed his eyes. "It's not there. Im alone with my best friend and no one else is- KENMA IT'S TOUCHING ME I CAN FEEL IT GRABBING MY ARM HELP ME. ITS GOING TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE." Kenma's eyes widened. What was this?! He was so confused and scared and clueless as to what to do, he had never seen his friend so vulnerable before in his life. It was frightening.

Kenma wrapped his arms around his taller older friends waist pulling him close placing his head against Kuroo's chest. "Feel that Kuroo? That's me. That's me holding you. Protecting you. Nothing is going to get you. Just focus." That was the last thing Kenma said before Kuroo collapsed, Kenma had laid him down on the ground in panic and then called 911, only to be picked up and been brought to a hospital.

After talking to Kuroo's mom and his own he was explained to what Kuroo had. Schizophrenia. A mental illness where your mind plays tricks on you and makes you feel, smell, think, see, and hear things. Kuroo had blacked out from holding his breath and later explained to the nurses that "someone had their hand over it." Kenma had gone home and did all the research he could learning how to deal with it in case it happened again. It was after that day Kenma knew what he wanted to do with his life. He would do anything and help his best friend. Keep him safe.

****

Kenma was sixteen years old when Kuroo forced him to go to a party. It had been fun at first for Kuroo, not so much for Kenma since he was a social outcast and the 'weird kid' he would have preferred staying home all weekend with Kuroo and playing video games into the mornings and then sleeping all day, eating pizza and junk food all weekend. That was the life he loved, but the ravennette had begged him to go to a party and eventually Kenma gave in. Two beers later Kuroo was slighty tipsy with it being his first time having alcohol and his not being able to handle alcohol that well either anyways, Kuroo had a break down. Kenma was now twenty eight and still remembered that day like the back of his hand, and the consequences for what happened were far worse then getting yelled at by your mom.

*12 years ago*

Kenma had been sitting down at a table in the far back corner of the room, trying to stay away from all the sweaty dirty people. They were all dancing, including Kuroo, Kenma was keeping his eye on him just in case he had another schizophrenia attack, which would be horrible in front of all these people but Kenma just felt that something bad was going to happen. He had this gut feeling that something was going to go wrong.

There was five minutes until Kuroo's mom came to get him and Kuroo was sitting beside him, trying to get a little bit more sober drinking lots of water so his mom wouldn't know that he had been drinking. Kenma sighed at his best friends stupidness because Kuroo's mom was smart and there was no way in hell she wouldn't notice that Kuroo had been drinking. Hell even Kenma's parents would have been able to tell and they were the most unobservant people Kenma had ever met in his life. Except maybe Kuroo. Kenma was just sitting when suddenly he felt Kuroo go tense beside him.

"What is it Kuroo?" He asked the male suddenly scared and worried. He looked up at him with his bright golden eyes scared for what would come next. For what his best friend was about to say. Another attack perhaps? Hopefully not, but Kenma had a feeling it was.

"I smell something.... Like fire?" Kenma sniffed the air but all he could smell was drugs that guys were "secretly" doing. Weed. He scrunched his nose making an ick face. "Kenma I think the house is on fire." He said quietly to Kenma. Kenma looked around seeing nothing but the smoke of cigarettes and the smoke machine filling the room. But he didn't smell anything that even remotely resembled fire so that was highly unlikely. He sighed. It was the schizophrenia.

"Kuroo, how about we go outside just incase there is a fire okay? I don't want us getting hurt." Kenma spoke quietly and grabbed Kuroo's arm hoisting him up. Kuroo shook his head and then ripped his arm away from Kenma in which Kenma stared at him with wide shocked eyes. "Tetsurou?" Kenma asked using Kuroo's first name worriedly.

"Kenma we have to warn everyone else! We can't just let them fucking die? Are you stupid?" Kenma tried to not let that hurt him but it was hard. Kuroo was schizophrenic. He didn't mean it. Kenma took a deep breath. "I believe you Kuroo but I want us to be safe too-" he was cut off when Kuroo began to yell and Kenma flinched. Fuck. Why him. Why now.

"EVERYONE GET OUT THERE'S A FIRE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO BURN IF WE DON'T GET OUT RIGHT NOW." After Kuroo screaming that at the top of his lungs Kenma's eyes widened as there was screaming all around him. Fuck. Once they all got outside and realized there was no fire Kuroo would be the most hated person in the school Kenma couldn't let that happen. Kenma followed everyone outside dragging Kuroo behind him. Luckily Kenma spotted Kuroo's mom's car and he brought him over stuffing him into the back seat. "Take him home please, he's having a schizophrenic smelling type thing I'll walk." He told Kuroo's mom and watch as she nodded and drove off not needing further instruction.

Kenma walked over to the sidewalk and saw the pissed off party owner Oikawa standing looking very angry that his party was interrupted for a fake fire. He turned glaring at Kenma with the most vicious glare Kenma had ever seen, it caused the small frail male to flinch. Oikawa stormed over to Kenma looking very angry. "Where the fuck is your bed headed boyfriend?" Oikawa spat seeming very pissed off.

Then Kenma got an idea, it would make him the most hated person ever but he didn't care. "Firstly, Kuroo is not my boyfriend. Secondly, it was me who told him I smelt fire and it's my fault so be mad at me. Do you really think party boy Kuroo would say there was a fire at a party? He loves them way to much to do that." Kenma said and couldn't say another word because Oikawa began to yell a string of curses.

"You little fucking shit! You are literally the worst I will fucking make your life a living fucking hell for ruining my party you little bitch. Fuck you Kenma Kozume. Fuck you." Then there was a split second of blinding pain as he was punched in the face. He heard someone yell, "OIKAWA YOU IDIOT NO." But it was to late because Kenma had fallen backwards and his head hit the ground. Hard. He sat up opening his eyes his vision blurry and realized he was on the road. "Fuck." He yelled as he heard a car horn and then another blinding flash of pain. He closed his eyes tightly.

When he opened them he saw that someone had pulled him out of the way. He let out a sigh of relief and that was when the tears flooded up eyes and poured over his cheeks. He let out a broken sob as he looked down at his foot and saw that the car had run over it. He looked up at his saviour. "Lev?" He asked his vision blurry from pain and crying now. He felt like shit. "The one and only." He heard Lev say with a grin.

"Thank fucking god." Kenma said before he felt himself being lifted off the ground by Lev and carried away to Lev's house. But before they left Kenma was sure he heard Lev yell at Oikawa, something along the lines of, "You fucking idiot, you could have killed him and gone to jail. Do you fucking want that?! Look at all the witnesses. You better hope Kenma-san is nice enough to not sue or claim that you pushed him or your in for a real fucking treat you ass hole." Lev yelled and then stuck up the middle finger while he was leaving. Even though Oikawa had nearly killed him and landed Kenma a place in the hospital for a month and a half when Kenma went back to school he was the laughing stock and was being bullied like crazy and Kuroo never knew why because for all Kuroo knew they saved all those people and they should have all been happy.

The only people Kenma trusted at school were Lev and Kuroo now. They were the only ones that didn't shove him into lockers or threaten to kill him anymore. Even with Lev and Kuroo, Kenma had never felt more alone in his life.

**

Even though Kenma was 28, the memories of that day still haunted him. Bullying for 2 years from everyone he walked by. It was fucking ridiculous and Kenma had begun to self harm at that point. He hid it from Kuroo and Lev. Especially Kuroo. He needed to be strong for his best friend. Help him through his mental illness. Make sure he was okay. He didn't need Kuroo worrying about him and worrying about himself also. He needed to keep Kuroo safe. That's what was important, Kenma would go through it all again if it meant Kuroo not getting bullied.

Which brings us to 11 years ago. Exactly one year after the day Kenma nearly died by getting hit by that car.

*11 years ago*

It had been one year, and the bullying that day was the worst it had ever been. Kuroo had been hospitalized due to nearly jumping off a fucking bridge during his last schizophrenia attack which meant that the whole school had free reign to pick on Kenma whenever they wanted because big bad Kuroo wasn't around to protect him.

He had already been shoved into a locker 3 times and had his face shoved into 2 different toilets. He had been called names and told that he should just kill himself saying he was worthless a countless amount of times and Kenma was tempted to actually do it. What would the school do once they realized their bullying led Kenma to suicide. What would Kuroo do? No. He wouldn't kill himself. Kuroo needed him.

He endured the whole day of torture and while walking to the hospital he began to cry. He hadn't cried in so long. He didn't even cry when he self harmed late into the night slitting his wrists and thighs open with his blades.

He let out a small sob and when his tears suddenly became to much he walked over to a bench and pulled his knees up to his chest sitting down he stuffed his face into his knee's he began to sob. Loud body wracking sobs. He wondered if anyone would stop and ask what was wrong. If anyone would talk to him. After about two minutes of sobbing he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned his head around to see a male with freckles behind him was a blonde man with glasses and a 'don't fucking touch me' look in his eyes.

The one with freckles smiled softly at Kenma. "Hi! I'm Yamaguchi and this is Tsukki. He's my boyfriend." The boy named Tsukki made a small 'Tch' noise in the back of his throat. Kenma let out a small hiccup and then quietly mumbled. "I'm Kenma. Kozume Kenma." Them more tears began to flow down his face freely. Yamaguchi's eyes widened. "Oh my god please don't cry. Come on we'll go to mine and Tsukki's apartment I know you don't know us but we'll make you tea and some food and you can tell us what's wrong okay?" Kenma hesitated.

"I doubt you'll be able to help me at this point I'm too far deep." He said quietly and let another small sob. He began to cry even more now surprised that he could cry this many tears. Yamaguchi had a sad look on his face as he walked around the bench and hugged Kenma. It was a warm hug and Kenma leaned into the warmth happily closing his eyes and hugging the man back. It just felt so nice to feel loved and like someone wanted to help him again. "Don't worry Kenma. I'm a therapist! I can help." Yamaguchi said pulling back with a smile.

Kenma nodded and stood up shakily. He wiped away his tears with his sweater sleeve and took a deep breath. "C'mon Tsukki! We have lots to do!" Yamaguchi said with a wide smile towards his boyfriend and they began to walk towards the nearby apartment. Thank god it was close, Kenma already felt on the verge of tears. Kenma followed silently and when they got up into to their apartment and entered there house Kenma felt like something broke.

Like his strong facade shattered like a piece of glass being thrown into the floor. He slipped off his shoes and stumbled into the very very clean apartment. "Tsukki will make us tea! We can talk on the couch." Yamaguchi said quietly and then walked over sitting down on the couch and patted the spot next to him. Kenma walked over shakily and then he broke once again. He began to cry. "I'm so broken. I don't think there's hope for me anymore." Yamaguchi only smiled.

"There's hope for everyone Kenma, you just need to talk about it with someone. I'm here to listen and I won't judge you and neither will Tsukki. If you want I can even send him away so he won't hear."

Kenma shook his head. "No it's okay." As he spoke more tears flowed down his face. "My best friend, his name is Kuroo, he has schizophrenia. It's really bad and I found out when I was 14, he passed out from holding his breath when him and I were at the park. Then he was clean for two years, he was taking his meds it was keeping it under control. Then he forgot to take his meds one night and we went to a highschool party. He smelled fire, through a schizophrenia type hallucination of smelling things. So I told him he would go outside. But he yelled about the fire causing everyone to flip out and go outside. Luckily Kuroo's mom was there so I stuffed him in the car and told her what happened and she drove off I said I'd walk because I also had an idea. The owner of the party, Oikawa Tooru, he began to yell at me asking where Kuroo went, so he could fight him for ruining the party and I told him that it was me who smelt fire and told Kuroo about it so that's why Kuroo yelled for me. Tooru got mad and punched me in the face sending me flying onto the street. He of course didn't see the car..." Kenma let out a small sob and closed his eyes.

"I could have died. The car came so close to running me over but a boy I had only spoken to a few times because he's on the volleyball team with Kuroo. He, who wasn't even my friend, he ran across the road also risking getting hit and pulled me out of the way. The car ran over my foot and I ended up in the hospital for a month and half. When I went back to school the bullying was ridiculously stupid. Always pushing me into lockers stuffing my face into toilets beating me up telling me to die. Kuroo got hospitalized due to almost jumping off a bridge when something was chasing him in a hallucination. I'm so alone, and my wrists are... well covered in scars and cuts and I don't know what to do." Kenma let out a sob and began to cry even more.

"Oh sweetie." Yamaguchi said and pulled Kenma onto his lap. Kenma curled up into a ball and clutched Yamaguchi's shirt beginning to cry even more leaving little tear drops on his shirt. Yamaguchi stroked Kenma's hair and began to hum softly, the sound and action strangely comforting Kenma. It was weird that he was a 17 year old sitting on a strangers lap crying because his life went to shit.

"Kenma can I ask you a few questions." Kenma nodded softly. "Okay I'll ask them all at once to make this quicker in case the answers are painful. You're best friend, you've known about his schizophrenia for 4 years now, it's bound to affect you so I want to know if there is a possibility you'd tell Kuroo about these problems you're having? And your other friend Lev? Also, what are your real feelings for Kuroo?"

"First of all, telling Kuroo and Lev. Maybe one day, probably Lev but not Kuroo, Kuroo has enough to deal with I don't need him worrying about me." Then he thought of the second one. For a good minute. Yamaguchi just continued to stroke Kenma's hair humming softly as he thought letting the cat like male take his time. "Fuck." Kenma said realization dawning him. "I love Kuroo. Like in more then a friend way. I'm gay. Fuck I'm so gay." He said and then he began to cry even more. "Kuroo's straight. What am I going to do?!"

"Just tell him you like him! Tsukki told me he liked me when he thought I was straight and it worked out well didn't it! You said he's at the hospital right? The one on James street? I work there are the therapist so yeah I can get you in right away even though visiting hours are closed right now." Yamaguchi said and Kenma nodded standing up he smiled softly.

"Thank you." He said before taking a deep breath and walking over to the door putting his shoes back on.

"Tsukki! We're going to the hospital!" Yamaguchi yelled to his boyfriend. "Tadashi what about the tea?" Yamaguchi laughed. "You can drink it! See ya!" He said happily and then walked out the door, Kenma followed slowly behind.

When they got to the hospital Kenma stood outside Kuroo's room and Yamaguchi beside him he sat in a chair outside the door. "Go in. You got this, I'll wait for you out here alright? If you need me when you come out I'll be here no matter how long you take." Yamaguchi said and it made Kenma happy that even if he failed he had something to come out to and be there for him. "Uhm... Yamaguchi. I know we just met and all... But my parents aren't the best... Could I stay the night at your house. I'll be gone by the morning- I have school after all." Yamaguchi's eyes widened. "Of course."

Kenma smiled and entered the hospital room feeling a little better with himself. When he saw Kuroo crack a large grin at Kenma as he walked in he realized how just walking into the room made Kuroo smile. He took a deep breath.


	2. The End

{Recap}   
Kenma smiled and entered the hospital room feeling a little better with himself. When he saw Kuroo crack a large grin at Kenma as he walked in he realized how just walking into the room made Kuroo smile he took a deep breath.   
*

Kenma smiled softly and then walked over sitting in the hospital chair beside Kuroo. He continued to smile at the male but when he raised his hand to give a small wave he watched as Kuroo's eyes widened as he did raise his hand. "Kenma..." Kuroo said slowly, Kenma tiled his head to the side. "Put the knife down." He said even slower. Kenma looked at his hand. He wasn't holding a knife. Or anything at all. 

"Kuroo, there's no kni-" suddenly Kuroo was out of bed and Kenma was pinned against the wall. By the throat. He couldn't breath. His golden eyes widened and his arms hung at his sides in shock. Fuck. What the fuck. Kuroo thought Kenma was gonna kill him so he was gonna kill Kenma. Kenma began to cry silent tears and sobs. Before he was able to extend his leg enough and kick Kuroo in the groin. Kuroo groaned kneeling over and his hands leaving Kenma's neck. Kenma took a huge rasp of air and began breathing heavily falling down to the floor. 

"Kuroo?" He asked softly then before he even had time to say anything else he was pinned to the ground Kuroo's long legs holding down Kenma's small twig like ones and his arms holding down Kenma's. Fuck, this was bad. "Kuroo I'm not going to hurt you. I never will. I love you, so so much. More than a friend. Like... I think I wanna be your boyfriend type way. I wanna kiss you and cuddle with you on a couch while we talk about our future together and our past and how stupid we were. We can rant about idiots together and play volleyball. And fuck Kuroo. I need you." He said and then began to cry. 

Kenma watched as something in Kuroo's eyes changed and suddenly there was dead weight on his body. "Did you really mean it Kenma? Do you really want me like that?" Kenma nodded and hugged the male and felt Kuroo's body began to shake and dampness on his shoulder where Kuroo's head was. His best friend was crying. He began to hum softly a small tune and rub Kuroo's back trying to sooth him as Yamaguchi had done to Kenma earlier. 

Eventually Kuroo stopped crying. "I love you too Kenma." 

**

Kenma loved that day because not soon after him and Kuroo were kissing and then tangled up in the bed sheets all night long. It didn't feel like they were rushing it. It felt like they had waited far to long because both were positive that each other were the people they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. Kenma smiled softly at the fond memory even if he had almost died.  
Again. 

He laughed softly and fingered the bottle in front of him. 

He had to think back to stuff that happened to him without Kuroo too. Maybe that would finalize his decision. 

*10 years ago* 

Kenma was sitting on his couch playing video games, when he heard a knock at the door. "Come in!" He said half heartedly continuing to play his game. His mom and dad walked into his room angrily. Kenma paused his game looking up. "Yes?" He asked quietly waiting for them to yell and scream at him over something he did wrong. Had they found out about the self harming? They probably wouldn't stop it even if they did. 

"Kenma, son, we saw you and Kuroo kissing. Was that by accident or on purpose?" Kenma's dad asked with a perplexed look on his face. Kenma's face looked shocked because he knew he was now totally fucked. "On purpose." He mumbled quietly. 

His mom smirked and his dad frowned his mom leaned against the door frame. "Told you." She said sounding proud. Kenma was terrified. 

"You little fucking fag." Kenma flinched as his dad spat the words at his feet. The pudding haired males eye's then widened as he was lifted by his shirt collar and then punched in the gut before he was dropped back to the ground. Kenma was in shock. They had never gotten this abusive with him. "You should just die, I've seen your razors, your arms, your legs, you're just a worthless piece of shit. In fact, maybe I should kill you..." He pulled out a knife. 

"Now maybe we should stop here." His mom said speaking quietly. "Go to our room darling I don't want you to see this." His mom gave him one last look of... sorry? Pity? Kenma couldn't tell. "Die you stupid son of a bitch." He said before he felt sharp pains in multiple places over his legs and arms. Then his dad left, and he heard the front door open and the car drive off. They were gonna let him bleed out. All over the floor. Kenma forced himself to crawl, screaming in pain he grabbed his phone from his bag he scrolled through his contacts. 

Yamaguchi. 

Yes, that would have to do. 

He hit the call button. 

"Heyo! Yamaguchi here!" He heard Yamaguchi's voice and practically sighed in relief. 

"Yamaguchi? It's Kenma." He said his voice raspy. "Tsukishima is a nurse right? Can you guys come pick me up I think I'm dying... I don't wanna die. I have a boyfriend and nice friends and I haven't even graduated yet." Kenma said quietly "Please, and please when you come pack up my shit and don't take me to the hospital. Take me to your house I don't need anyone knowing about this." 

"Of course, I'll be right there." Kenma heard him say in a shaky voice and then yell a very scared. "TSUKKI! Let's go it's an emergency! Stay on the phone. Don't you fucking dare hang up on my Kozume." Kenma nodded but then realized Yamaguchi couldn't see him he laughed but it turned into coughing and he spit up blood all over his floor. 

Before he knew it there were voices then everything went black. How odd. 

*1 week later* 

"I think he's waking up!" He heard a loud voice beside him yell and then someone shushing them. "Shut up Yamaguchi." He heard an irritated sigh. "Sorry Tsukki!" 

Kenma groaned and sat up sharp pains everywhere. He looked down to see his arms covered in bandages and his legs. He was naked besides a pair of boxers and felt like he was about to fall over and die at any minute. But there was something missing.. Kuroo. He hadn't seen Kuroo in a week. "Where the fuck is Kuroo? Is he okay?" Kenma asked voice raspy. 

Tsukishima shook his head. "You just almost died and you're worried about your boyfriend. You remind me way to much of Tadashi and short stack." Yamaguchi hit Tsukishima's arm and then scolded him for calling some guy named Hinata short stack. "You're gonna be okay Kozume! And Kuroo is fine too. We called him and told him... Well. I'm sorry Kozume, but I told him everything. I told him about the party." 

Kenma felt his world collapse. 

What the fuck. 

"When was the last time you talked to Kuroo Yamaguchi?" 

"Three days ago? Why?" 

Kenma looked around seeing a glass of water on the side table along with his phone. He downed the water and picked up his phone calling Kuroo. When he heard the males worried voice. He sighed in relief. "Kenma oh my god! Are you okay! Im coming to see you." 

Everything was alright. Except that Kenma was now practically an orphan. Yamaguchi and Tsukki let him live with them and Kenma was still fighting depression and Kuroo schizophrenia.

**

Kenma reached for the bottle of pills gripping them in his shaking hands. Could he do it? Could he really? 

*4 years ago* 

Kuroo was going insane. They said they were either going to have to ask him if they could drug him up even more or isolate him. Kuroo's parents died and Kenma was now the legal medical attorney as his boyfriend. 

It was a no brainer for Kenma the decision he had to make and what he was going to choose. That night he packed his bags. He signed the papers and Kuroo and Kenma were sent to an isolated Island together with some meds and a doctor, nurse, and therapist on speed dial. Kenma set up all their video game the minute they got there and they played all night. 

It was when it got to night time Kenma began to get worried. They were laying in bed, Kenma wide away waiting for Kuroo to sleep. Kuroo was so unstable at the point the smallest noises made him think either Kenma was going to kill him or something in general was going to kill him, so he would jump up and pin Kenma down or flip the fuck out and Kenma needed to be able to stay awake and stop that. 

So Kenma was waiting Kuroo to fall asleep. "Kenma... I hear creaking noises, and there are these monsters in the corner telling me to go to sleep so they can kill me and I hate this house. I hate being alone like this, I wanna go back to the city and see Yamaguchi and Tsukki and Lev! I miss them Kenma please Kenma please." 

"The house just want's you to sleep so it can give you good dreams Kuroo. I'll protect you from the monsters I'll stay up all night and right them if they come any closer to you." Kenma said kissing Kuroo on the cheek. Kuroo's eyes fluttered shut. "Thanks Kenma. I love you." He heard his boyfriend mumble quietly before he fell asleep. Kenma sighed in relief and fell asleep also. 

Days passed and Kuroo was starting to lose his shit. He was crying all the time, standing in corners because "the things in the closet told him to." Kenma would always go to the bathroom for a while and self harm after dealing with Kuroo's sadness. He couldn't help it, he just wanted to be able to make Kuroo happy. To heal him. To make him feel better about himself. 

To want to live again.

Many times now Kuroo had asked Kenma if he could just die already. The one day him and Kenma were eating breakfast and Kuroo had asked, "They're everywhere Kenma, can you just die so I can die too and we can live in heaven together?" 

Kenma had only smiled and said, "We'll make it through this together alright?" 

Kuroo had nodded sadly but his boyfriend had the look in his eyes that Kenma knew all too well. The look that he thought there was no hope anymore. But there was. There always was, Kenma believed in Kuroo and knew that he could do it. But after thinking that he had to really think. Maybe he was just lying to himself to make himself feel better. 

Either way Kenma had a really bad feeling about this. 

He began to cry every night before he fell asleep because in the end he knew how this was gonna end and it hit him hard right in the gut when he woke up and Kuroo was gone, not in the bed. Not in the house. When he walked outside Kenma screamed. Kuroo's lifeless body hanging from a tree in their backyard. He fell down to his knee's and threw up, all over the grass and then he fell to the side he curled up into a ball and cried. 

After an hour he closed his eyes and turned around. He didn't want to see the body again. He really really didn't want to. Because he boyfriend, best friend, and the reason for him to stay alive was dead. What was he supposed to do now. He dropped out of school and was living with two people he barely knew. His parents tried to kill him. 

His reason for living was dead. 

Before Kenma could continue those thoughts he called the hospital. "He's dead. He killed himself." He said into the phone his voice shaking. He went home to Yamaguchi and Tsukki and locked himself in his room only going out to eat. For a whole year. 

**

Kenma fell to the floor and began to cry. "I'm worthless. I couldn't even save Kuroo. I have no job. No parents, my friends hate me, my life is fucking wreck. I cut myself every night and I have anxiety. I'm fucked." He began to sob curled up in a tiny ball holding his pills in his hand. He could end it. He really could. Right here and now, he could take the bottle of pills and end his life. He stood up his frail skinny legs shaking as he did so. He put a handful of pills in his mouth and swallowed, he downed the pills and more pills and more pills. He then had a flashback to a memory. 

*20 years ago*

"Hey Kenma?" Kuroo asked looked down at the male as they were playing video games Kenm ignored him being a small 8 year old kid he just wanted to play his game. He killed Kuroo and then walked off pausing the game. Kuroo ignored the fact that his friend had just killed him while he was trying to have a serious conversation. Since Kenma had paused the game Kuroo took this as his cue to talk. "If I die before you? Can you promise me something." Kenma turned giving him a 'we're 8 but whatever keep talking' look. 

"I want you to keep living no matter how I die. I want you to visit my grave everyday and most important. I want you to go to paris and put a lock on the bridge for us. Because no matter what I'll still be there with you. I'll follow you in spirit form and lock it with you. But I want to be dead for it. So you need to outlive me okay." 

Kenma rolled his eyes but despite Kuroo's stupidness and Kenma's unwillingness he begrudgingly mumbled, "I promise." 

**

Kenma needed to keep his promise. But here he was on the fucking floor dying. He couldn't betray Kuroo. 

He grabbed his phone finding Yamaguchi's number he called it. "KOZUME FUCKING THANK GOD ME AND KEI HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE! WHERE ARE YOU." 

Kenma rasped out the address. "Remember that time you saved my life? I'm dying again, I took a lot of pills. I need you to save me again. I'm sorry for doing this to you, I'm sorry for being a fuck up. I'm so sorry Yamaguchi I'm so so sorry." Kenma said and then began to sob.

He heard Yamaguchi rasp out the address to Tsukishima before he heard his only friend who still talked to him begin to cry. "Shhh, it's okay Kozume. Even Kei is crying we're coming as fast as we can. Don't you dare fucking die. You're not allowed." Yamaguchi said.

So Kenma didn't. 

They got Kenma to a hospital and they flushed his stomach getting everything out of it. Kenma lived, he began go to therapy and after ten years he was finally better. He was now a therapist at the hospital and he had scars all over his body but instead of reminding him that he was worthless and stupid, they reminded him of the great battle that he once faced. That he overcame. That was what made Kenma so happy. He was better. 

He was also helping people overcome problems that he had when he was their age and he now knew how to properly deal with it so he helped them and was the second best therapist in the hospital. Yamaguchi was the first of course because nothing could beat his smiley attitude and how he was always happy. But Kenma had a different way of helping things, he made his patients cry and broke everything down before building it back up. 

But Kenma still helped every patient he had. They all stayed in touch and he even saved a few of their lives. He felt so accomplished. 

Happy.  
But not complete.   
Not ever complete. Not without Kuroo. 

Kenma was sitting in his room. He had to go to Paris or he wouldn't be able to die happily. He sincerely wouldn't. He took a deep breath. He needed to also go visit Kuroo's grave for he had to do it everyday like he promised. He drove down to it and sat in front of it. "Hey Kuroo..." He started off by saying and then already felt his eyes filling with tears. "I love you and I miss you. But Im going to Paris soon I promise! We still have to lock that lock together. Sorry it's taking me so long. Sorry it took so long for me to pick myself up over losing you and sorry for not visiting your grave right away. I'll be back tomorrow I hope you're well with your parents now."

The next day when Kenma showed up to Kuroo's grave he bursted into tears. Because there were people there, people he didn't ever want to see again and people that he missed so dearly and people that he loved dearly. All his old classmates were there and some of Kuroo's patients. Lev. Lev was there.

Kenma jogged over his tears now streaming down his face. "Why are you all here?" He asked them and then when Tooru stepped forward Kenma flinched back. 

"You're patient, Yukki, he rallied us all up saying that if we didn't come he would kick our asses, he said that we were dicks to you both and it was time to apologize. So that's what we came here to do." Tooru paused and another boy from their class, Iwaizumi? Nudged him forward. "I'm sorry Kozume for everything I did. And I'm sorry about Kuroo, I didn't know this was going on." Kenma nodded meekly because he couldn't forgive Tooru. He really couldn't. 

"Thank you. Thank you so much." Kenma said and then they all paid their respects leaving a pile of flowers on the grave stone in front and behind it. Kenma felt a little stronger that day. As Kenma went to leave Lev grabbed his arm he scribbled his number down on it. "Text me. You're not allowed to be alone anymore." Lev said strictly not even flinching at the sight of all the scars. 

Kenma nodded. 

Months after he went to Paris. He spent a week there touring and doing fun stuff with Lev. Then Lev left a day sooner then Kenma did, because Kenma asked him too. Although it had been a fun week filled with laughs and fun times. Pillow fights in the hotel rooms and late nights of scary movies and early morning walking around Paris just enjoying the sights. 

But it was time to face this. He walked up onto the bridge with all the locks on it taking a deep breath. He could do this right? He could just click the lock onto the bridge and then walk away. But Kenma knew it was much more then that. It was something much more. 

He pulled the lock out of his bag and then sat down by one of the small empty spots. He turned facing the air. "Ready Kuroo?" He asked into the empty air truly believing his boyfriend was sitting in front of him. He smiled.

"Before I do this, I'm never going to love anyone else the way I love you. I will always love you and I will never give up on you. When I die I can't wait to be with you because I miss you so much. So so so much. I just wanna hear your heartbeat again Kuroo, see your crazy bed head. Hug you, smell that scent of coffee and lumber when we cuddled and watched movies late into the mornings." Kenma was aware an audience was watching him now and didn't care. "I miss you my beautiful boyfriend. Why did you kill yourself. Why did you leave me, as much as I love you you're still a dick. But even though you killed yourself I understand why. You were practically insane Kuroo. I understand my darling, my love my sunshine. Remember that song I used to hum when you were having your little schizophrenia fits. I want to sing it for you."

Kenma's voice became shaky. "You are my sunshine..." He began to cry and he let out a choked sob. He slid the lock onto the bridge but didnt lock it. Not yet. His hands were shaking badly. "My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear..." He let out another small sob. "How much I love you." He couldn't finish he hung his head and began to cry. But then he felt something on his own hand and a thumb stroking his hand. When he looked there was nothing but he knew Kuroo was there so he had to finish. "So please don't take... My sunshine away." 

And then they locked it. Together. 

Kenma stood up and there was clapping all around him.

"I love you." He whispered into the air and the gust of wind after he said it told him Kuroo understood. 

The End ☺️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me on Tumblr @queen-bxtch and I will tell you when I relese more chapters of my other fics or new fics!   
> I hope you enjoyed leave Kudos and comment below what you thought of this fic!
> 
> If you want to cry even more listen to the songs   
> \- Silhouettes - from the catching fire soundtrack  
> \- Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men


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